A couple years ago my business partner and I went to a business coach to help us work better together and understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses better.

While we were there I found a tool that truly would rock my marriage.

This tool is a method of conflict resolution that revolutionized the way we deal with issues.

Let’s assume Anna asked me to do something and I forgot (not that that ever happens!!)

Despite the fact that I may have every reason in the world for forgetting Anna has an issue with me….and that’s ok.

Typically, prior to us using this exercise, Anna would tell me how it bothered her and I would explain my side and she would seem “ok”. This was a dangerous thing in our marriage because while I thought the issue was resolved Anna didn’t feel like she was ever heard.

So in our “issues clearing model” we start with Anna (and only Anna) doing ALL the talking.

1. Present the facts (indisputable facts)

ie. I told you to take out the trash and you didn’t do it.

No assumptions here. Not “I asked you to take out the trash and you didn’t want to” or ” I asked you to take out the trash and you forgot”. Those are assumptions. Just facts. I asked and it wasn’t done. Period.

And no rebuttal by me.

2. The story I’m telling myself. (Your perception of the facts)

ie. the story I’m telling myself is you weren’t listening to me. Or the story I’m telling myself is you didn’t want to

3. And that makes me feel (emotions)

ie. and that makes me feel unimportant. Or that makes me feel like you don’t participate

4. My role.

There are two sides to everything so admit yours. This doesn’t discount your position just acknowledges some level of responsibility.

My role is I asked you to take it out the trash and may not have told you a timeframe. Or my role is I may have told you about the trash while you were in the middle of something else.

5. What I want

Be very clear about what you want from the other person

What I want is for you to take the trash out or what I want is for you to really listen to me.

Now it’s your turn. NOT A REBUTTAL! Anna has an issue with me this is not my turn to be on the defense.

6. Repeat exactly what she said.

“what I heard you say is
1. Facts
2. Story your telling your self
3. Feelings
4. Your role
5. What you want.

Verbatim.

7. Ask “Did I get that right”

This is your spouses turn to make sure you got it. If you missed something go back to step 6.

8. Is there anything else?

This is the time to lay it all on the table.

If yes, Start from the top. The first time Anna and I did this this part went on for over an hour. Clear it all out!

9. Are we clean with each other.

One last shot.

That’s it!

This method was revolutionary for us not only in our marriage but as a clear lens to look though to distinguish facts from emotions and make sure we are always clear with each other and honor the person with the issue.

Don’t be afraid to say you have an issue and don’t be tempted to jump in and rebut what your spouses issue is.

She is entitled to have issue with you. Just listen to her.

So I challenge you to talk through this with your spouse and be bold enough to ask him or her is there is anything they need to raise with you.

It could just change your life.

Let me know how it goes in the comments!